Hellogoodbye

During their “Two Months Of Spring Break ’99” tour, Hellogoodbye stopped by the newly renovated Edmonton Events Centre and sat down with me for a few minutes for an interview. It was by far the most unorthodox interview I have ever done. Like I say in the interview,I was warned that the band doesn’t always take interviews that seriously and that I should come up with inventive and creative questions to ask. My big idea was to ask questions from the drinking game “What The F*ck?“. So I took the book it, selected a few ones I definitely wanted to ask and just flipped through the book randomly selecting questions to ask them.It ended up being a pretty fun interview and the amount of pop culture references surprised me (everything from Nelly Furtado to Aladdin and Patrick Swayze was brought up). If you’ve ever wanted to read a completely random interview with Hellogoodbye, this will be the one to read. Thanks to Forrest and Marcus for doing it and Ana for setting it up.

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Bobby: Well, basically, I was warned in advance that you guys normally don’t take interviews that seriously and that I should come up with creative and inventive questions.

Forrest: Uh-oh.

Bobby: So I was trying to think of a good questions and an angle to go with on the interview. Then on Friday, I was at a friend’s house, having a few beers, getting a little drunk, playing some drinking games.

Marcus: Then it struck you.

Bobby: Then it struck us. I’ll ask the drinking game questions. *Marcus and Forrest laugh*. So I have a book of random drinking game questions to ask you guys here.

Marcus: Alright.

Forrest: I should warn you that I don’t drink and have never drunk for like ten years maybe; and I’m not familiar with any drinking games.

Bobby: That won’t effect the questions because they’re completely random questions. For instance, if you suffered brain damage that caused your IQ to plummet, how would you prefer to be referred by, as gifted or as special?

Forrest: It’s really not gifted, that doesn’t even make sense.

Marcus: Probably just like happy. You know like a lot of the time, mentally challenged people, they’re always like psyched.

Forrest: They always want cake.

Marcus: And they always want cake, they fucking always want cake. So as long as we had cake, I’d probably be pretty stoked.

Forrest: Yeah, I think happy would be a good word. Can we add happy?

Bobby: Yes, we can add happy.

Marcus: Happy.

Bobby: Which trade would you rather learn in your spare time, witchcraft or accounting and why?

Marcus: How about Biblecraft? Because I don’t want to be an accountant, but I do not want to work for the forces of evil. So I’m going go with whatever Jesus would do in that situation.

Forrest: I’d do witchcraft and I’d cast a spell on my money. I wouldn’t need an accountant then.

Bobby: Who would you rather have living in your parent’s attic, your significant other’s parents or a poltergeist?

Marcus: How about my significant other’s parents’ poltergeist? Yeah…

Forrest: That would be weird.

Marcus: That one’s not in your little book is it there?

Bobby: No, it isn’t. What would you rather assume the staring role in, a drag show or a tampon commercial and why?

Marcus: Tampon commercial.

Forrest: Yeah.

Marcus: Why? I’m a vampire.

Bobby: What would you rather spend the rest of your life as, a deaf mortician or a ghost?

Forrest: Wait, how is this a drinking game?

Bobby: You ask someone a question and then you guess what they’re going to answer, if you get it wrong, you drink. If you don’t, they drink.

Forrest: You have to guess what we’re going to answer now. What was the question?

Bobby: What would you rather spend the rest of your life as, a deaf mortician or a ghost?

Forrest: A deaf mortician or a ghost…

Marcus: I know what my answer is.

Forrest: The rest of your life as a ghost? There’s logical flaws all over this one.

Marcus: It’s a drinking game; you’re too fucked up to know what’s going on. It’s like *pretending to be drunk* WHAT?!!

Forrest: *being drunk* I wanna be a ghost!!!!

Marcus: The first one! The first one!! *laughs*. I’m gonna say a ghost.

Forrest: So you can know what it feels like to be a ghost?

Marcus: *singing the Taking Back Sunday song* What does it feel like to be a ghost? *makes guitar noises*

Forrest: Was that your guess?

Bobby: Yeah. I’d guess deaf mortician for you, ghost for him.

Forrest: Wow. I would’ve gone with ghost. I would’ve buddied up with him.

Marcus: And I would have went back to my old girlfriend’s house and helped her make clay pots, like in the movie “Ghost.” You know what I’m talking about?

Forrest: Patrick Swayze.

Bobby: I know the movie but I haven’t seen it.

Marcus: Crazy for Swayze.

Bobby: Would you spend a month’s pay to talk with a psychic who has been proven to be 99% accurate, yes or no?

Forrest: Give up a month’s pay? We don’t get paid anything, so yes. A month’s pay is like nothing.

Marcus: Yes, because then it would be free and why wouldn’t I do something if it was free?

Bobby: Would you shave off all your body hair for 50 free CDs?

Marcus: 50 free CDs? Yeah, I probably would. CDs are expensive.

Forrest: I’d shave all off all my body hair anyway.

Bobby: A psychic tells you you will die on a freeway in less than a week; do you avoid all freeways for the next seven days? Even if you’re in the middle of a tour?

Forrest: Is this the same psychic from the other question? Are they only 99.99% accurate?

Bobby: Yeah.

Marcus: Then I’m riding on that point one that she’s wrong. I’ve got a need for speed baby.

Forrest: You can’t get away from the 405.

Marcus: No, you can’t get away from that thing.

Bobby: Your fourth grade teacher calls you out of the blue and asks you to speak to the class on career day, do you accept and why?

Forrest: To speak at our fourth grade teacher’s career day? I mean, in all reality, no. I would hate that. I don’t seem like much of a career advice person. I just did an interview about careers and I don’t think we’re probably the model career people. People probably shouldn’t base their life around us.

Marcus: And I’ve already spoken to my fourth grade teacher’s class once about when I went to Australia, so I’ve kind of already done that one.

Forrest: Why go back there again? I gave a speech about how to make Orange Juliuses, so…

Marcus: We’ve kind of already done that.

Bobby: And how do you make Orange Julises?

Forrest: I don’t remember anymore, but it’s a blended drink.

Marcus: It’s a process.

Bobby: Okay, a relative leaves you three million dollars in her will but stipulates that you must give it all away. Who do you give more to, friends and family or charity?

Forrest: I’d give more to friends and family probably. I don’t know.

Marcus: Yeah, I’d probably buy my parents a sweet house.

Forrest: Yeah, I’d be buying a whole bunch of stuff for people.

Marcus: Stuff they want, and then whatever’s left over I would give to charity I guess.

Forrest: But compared to what you spent on a sweet house, there would be like…

Marcus: There would be almost nothing left.

Bobby: You save a witch from drowning in a vat of butter, she offers you a choice of two rewards, what do you accept – a book of usable spells or her flying broom?

Marcus: I guess I would go with the spells, cast a spell on her and then just take the broom.

Forrest: Or just find a ordinary broom and cast a spell on it.

Bobby: That would work, I didn’t even think of that. I would’ve just taken the broom.

Forrest: Drunk people don’t think of these things.

Bobby: It’s true, they don’t.

Marcus: They’re like *acting drunk* What?!? A fucking broom! Yeah! Fucking, this place is a mess!

Bobby: Alright, which prize would you rather win in a raffle, two thousand ice cream sandwiches or your own cow?

Marcus: I’m gonna go with the ice cream sandwiches.

Bobby: I was gonna go with that, but then my friend said “with a cow, you can trade it for three magic beans.”

Marcus: He’s right.

Forrest: You gotta find someone with three magic beans in the first place; it’s kind of hard, kind of unrealistic.

Marcus: It’s just a little unrealistic, it’s all he’s saying, he’s not trying to make anyone feel bad here.

Bobby: What would you rather have as a pet, a descented skunk or an incontinent kitten?

Forrest: A kitten. It would be cute; you wouldn’t even get mad at it if it was incontinent and this little kitten.

Marcus: I would just not keep it in my room.

Forrest: Yeah, you wouldn’t keep it in your room.

Marcus: Keep it in like your sibling’s room or something.

Bobby: What would you rather be, a superhero with powers that only work when you are naked or the world’s most talented painter but you can only paint when dogs are barking?

Marcus: I’d be the naked superhero.

Forrest: Yeah, yeah.

Marcus: And if anyone was like laughing like “ha! That guy’s naked.” I’d be like “boom!”. Dead.

Forrest: I’m a superhero!

Marcus: “I’m a superhero, what’s your problem?”

Forrest: Anyway, I look good naked.

Marcus: Exactly, and if you were a superhero you’d be all buffed out, you’d probably have a huge dick, like people would be psyched on you.

Forrest: You’d have a super dick!

Marcus: Exactly.

Bobby: What medical procedure would you be more likely to perform on yourself without anesthetics, inserting a catheter or a root canal?

Marcus: I guess the catheter would be easier because I could at least see what I was doing where as the root canal, I have no clue. Catheter, you put a tube in your dick hole, I understand that. Root canal, I don’t even know where to start with that and there’s gonna be mirrors involved, that’s just a mess.

Bobby: Okay, would you trade your car or tour van for a magic carpet?

Marcus: Yeah. This tour van means nothing to me.

Forrest: We kind of don’t even like it.

Marcus: Yeah, I don’t even really like it. The internet doesn’t work on it. It was really cold this morning when I woke up on it.

Forrest: It was freezing. I kept turning the thing up and it wasn’t doing anything.

Marcus: For a magic carpet, yeah dude. With a magic carpet I could have probably been at this show in a matter of hours. Well, I mean, I got here in a matter of hours in this thing but it was a big number of hours as opposed to maybe two or three on a carpet. Maybe Aladdin would be my friend.

Bobby: And you’d have Abu too.

Marcus: Abu, Jasmine.

Forrest: And the carpet would be all cute and like pointing at stuff.

Marcus: It would be all “boop, boop, boop” (reenacting Carpet’s actions and sounds from the Aladdin movies.) I’d be all “aww, Carpet, what are you doing?”

Forrest: “What do you want Carpet?”

Marcus: “What do you want? I know you don’t want something to drink, you’re a carpet. Oh, you want to be vacuumed, I get it.”

Forrest: Hit it with a broom.

Marcus: Yeah, I guess that’s how you would wash your carpet. If it were a pet you bathe it, but since it’s a carpet you vacuum it a couple of times. Which is way easier actually.

Bobby: It would be, I doubt they would make as much of a fuss or as much of a mess.

Marcus: It would probably feel good.

Bobby: I bet they’d feel more reasonable about it too. Okay, you’re thrown into jail and have your choice of cell mates. Who do you chose, the cross dressing arsonist or the anorexic gang member?

Marcus: The anorexic gang member because I could kick his ass.

Forrest: And he’s in a gang.

Marcus: Yeah, it’s all about being tough in jail. You gotta kick someone’s ass so people know you’re legit. Like that guy starts saying shit, you’re like “what dude?” and you just woop his ass. And since he’s anorexic you just eat his food. You’re like “You really gonna eat that cupcake? Looks like you’ve been putting on a few, buddy.” He’d be like “you think so?” “Yeah, I’ll probably just eat that for you.” You just eat his food and kick his ass, that’s like a win/win.

Bobby: You own a Porsche and a thug threatens to break your kneecaps if you don’t give him the keys. He’s puny, but he’s also holding a lead pipe. Do you give him the keys, yes or no?

Marcus: Puny? Umm… like how puny are we talking? Like significantly smaller than me or basically me? Because I’m pretty puny. If he was my size with a lead pipe, I’d be like “alright, here”.

Forrest: So punier than him?

Bobby: Yeah, we’ll go with punier than him.

Marcus: So if he’s like the size of a twelve year old, I might try to kick his ass.

Forrest: Anything punier than us we’d probably kick their ass.

Bobby: You discover that you have a twin that was separated from you at birth but is now also in prison for murder. Do you go visit him in prison?

Marcus: Yeah dude.

Forrest: Yeah, yeah.

Bobby: And why would you?

Marcus: Because I’m clearly like the wimpier twin. I want to see what the bad ass version of me is. Maybe I’d even get some pointers.

Forrest: Maybe you’d learn a few things.

Marcus: Exactly. “Okay, wait, how do I break someone’s neck again?”

Bobby: What reputation would you rather have, promiscuous or dumb as a post?

Marcus: *singing* “Promiscuous boy…” How does that song go?

Forrest: “I ain’t promiscuous and if you were suspicious all that is fictious” I’d probably be promiscuous because there’s a lot of good pop songs that talk about it.

Marcus: Sex sells.

Bobby: Would you spend half an hour letting a vulture pick at your feet for one million dollars, yes or no?

Forrest: Yes, yes. Easy. A lot of people think they wouldn’t do things like that for money, but like dude, it’s not that bad.

Marcus: I’m torn. Maybe I would. Depends. I’d have study vultures a little bit harder to decide how much I feel they could pick a part. Like if I have no feet at the end of that hour, for a million dollars, no. If it’s like it hurts, but there’s just some deep cuts but it’s gonna heal, yeah.

Bobby: How about this one, would you stick a small cactus up your ass for a convertible?

Marcus: A small cactus in my butt for a convertible?

Forrest: It’s pretty temporary. A cactus up your butt is pretty temporary, it’s gonna get better. But I don’t really want a convertible.

Marcus: Exactly, that’s where I’m at too. I don’t really want a convertible car, so…

Bobby: So what’s the point?

Forrest: You could trade it in.

Marcus: Maybe if it’s like an extremely expensive convertible.

Forrest: Yeah, yeah yeah, like a really, really fancy one.

Marcus: Then I’d get one of the guys from Jackass to do it and I’d split it with him.

Bobby: Good idea. Okay, here’s one question I ask at all my interviews. If you guys, as a band, were stranded on a desert island with no food and nothing to eat, which one of the band members would you eat to survive and why?

Forrest: I think we’ve already pre-agreed on Chris. He’d probably have the best, like the lean, the most grade-A meat probably.

Marcus: It might be a little tough, but you don’t want to eat Jesse.

Forrest: He’s got some ass to pick at, but it’s all cancerous.

Marcus: Yeah, he’s got smokey yucky.

Forrest: And you’ve got to get through his skin to get to it and I don’t think you’re gonna have a chainsaw on this island.

Marcus: Unless you do, maybe it’s Chainsaw Island.

Forrest: And that’s all that there is there.

Marcus: In that case, you just need to learn the way of the chainsaw.

Forrest: But me and him are safe.

Bobby: That’s all that really maters right? I guess that’s about it, thanks a lot, do you have any final thoughts you’d like to add?

Forrest: Pay it forward.

Marcus: Just pay it forward guys.